isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
