How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
