did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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