Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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