You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
