i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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