I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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