do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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