Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
