did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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