she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
