ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
