I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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