I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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