Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
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