I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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