____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
