Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
