I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
I'm really busy with my period
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