btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
