My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
