I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
