You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
