you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
