i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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