My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
