My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
