I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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