He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
