I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
