it's too hot outside to masturbate.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
