I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
