im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
