youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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