we have officially mastered the walk of shame
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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