Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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