Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
