you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
