When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
