1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
