Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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