I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
