just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
