She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
