I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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