You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
