She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
