I faked an abortion last night.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
