8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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