So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
