4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I pour the whiskey from now on
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
