I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
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