I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
