I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
